PMO Files self immolate in protest over transfers

Protesting the constant transfer between 7 Race Course Road and 10 Janpath, a set of files in the PMO self immolated yesterday. A team of 6 fire tenders were dispatched to the office, but it was too late. “These were high grade coal files”, a firefighter lamented.

The next of kin was inconsolable, “One can tolerate only so many transfers. We may be a file, but we also have a life”.  Originally hailing from Bellary district of Karnataka, the files were part of a large family of 150, who had moved to New Delhi seeking better opportunities. During this time, a local NGO called Coal Betterment of Indraprasth, befriended them and on the pretext of offering them jobs, rented them out for a pittance to the residents of 7 RCR. There, they were subject to humiliating working conditions, which included cover-to-cover strip searching. The experience left them scarred – some were scratched, others perforated & a few were never seen again.

Then the daily transfers started. A sophisticated protocol called FTP (File Transfer via Pulok) enabled pre-breakfast mass movement of files. “We were confused & scared. We never knew when or where we would be rubber stamped. Finally the head of the family decided that enough was enough”, said a foolscap sheet which did not wish to be identified.

The coal fire has blackened the reputation of the PMO. The main opposition party was quick to latch on to the issue, “The whole filing system needs an overhaul. Honest files are transferred at least 45 times in their career. How can the Haryana DLF land-use file be in one drawer for a full 2 years? This shows that the desk drawer is a B-Team of the almirah”,

Life meanwhile goes on for the bereaved family. The coal files leave behind a Manila folder & a young box of staples.

Sonia Gandhi wants to teach Indians how to cook Dal Makhani

Buoyed by the success of her televised address to the nation about Bharatiyata, Congress President Mrs. Sonia Gandhi wants to teach Indians how to cook Dal Makhani. Snazzily titled Maino Fest, this 5 episode series will focus on India’s culinary tradition. Jairam Ramesh explained the meaning of the title: “Its a word-play on Manifesto & will demonstrate Sonia’s understanding of the pulse of the nation”. DLF has already signed up to be a sponsor. A re-run of another 5 episodes is also planned.

Asked about her interest in cooking, Mrs. Gandhi said “My family & cooking go back a long way. We have cooked financial books and college degrees. I studied at Lennox Cook school. BJP gloats that a Chaiwallah will become PM. But we have demonstrated that even a family cook can become President!”

She is unfazed by criticism that an Italian cannot teach Indians how to prepare their own food. “I have lived here long enough. In this time, I have demonstrated that one can be loyal to both countries: Italy & Vatican India.  I am planning to introduce novel Indo-Italian dishes like Pasta Priyamvada, ManiKutty & Eggplant Paramasivan, to bring our cultures together”.

Early Dal Makhani samples have received an enthusiastic response from Amethi villagers, as seen in the photo below.

Rahul, who played a key role in bringing this idea to fruition, was in one of his psychedelic pensive moods “See, you have to understand something about India. The other party wants to divide us into Main dish & Side dish. But I strongly feel that this country is like the South Indian dish Avial, where people of all backgrounds come together to be cooked slowly …. ouch!”, he finished before receiving a painful elbow in the ribs from Jairam.

If this idea takes off, 3 more series are planned:

1. Antique Aunty’s Antics: appreciating & appraising ancient Indian art, by Sonia’s sister Anuskha
2. Vadra Shaastra: an astrological guide to land purchases based on Vaasthu principles, by Jijaji
3. Dalit Tourism: a travel channel, with first-hand anecdotes by Rahul

Kejriwal set to sweep TIME constituency

In the all important swing constituency of TIME, AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal is set to romp to victory in the ongoing polls. AAP spokesperson Ashutosh said “We wood like to defecate this victory to the thousands of AAP trolls volunteers who did Windows-to-Windows campaigning to insure suckcess“.

The vote split by demographics reveals an interesting trend. Tactical voting by Firefox & Chrome users seems to have made a major impact to the electoral outcome. When shown screenshots of volunteers encouraging voters to delete cookies & vote multiple times (a tactic known as SharadPawaring), AAP accused us of being Ambani agents.

Coming a distant 3rd is BJP’s Narendra Modi. His chances were seriously hurt by his unwillingness to apologize for reading a NewsWeek edition in 2002. Modi’s excuse of “Entertainment means reading first” hasn’t gone down well with an influential minority of TIME-only readers. Moreover, his refusal to be photographed with a TIME magazine in his hand has not helped his cause. “He doesn’t seem to have a problem posing with local Gujarati magazines“, quipped Sandip Roy, a neutral-analyzer, who showed us pictures supporting his claim.

A 3rd Front, comprising of Justin Bieber, Beyonce & Rihanna doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference to the results, reflecting strong anti-incumbency against mediocre musicians. The Election Commission had also come down hard on Mr. Bieber for his manager’s blatantly communal appeal to Americans to not split the “teenage vote”