Supreme Court issues show-cause notice to Ganesha for sitting on Mooshika

In a searing indictment, the Supreme Court directed Lord Ganesha to show-cause for why he tortured Mooshika by sitting on him. This was in response to a PIL filed by the SPCA, based on a complaint by the rodent. A visibly upset Ganesha said he felt betrayed. “I thought Mooshika was a happy hamster. I always fed him leftover Modaks. When my idols were drinking milk countrywide, I ensured that he got his cut. Heck, I even saved him from Lakshmi’s owl once”, he sighed.

This is not an isolated incident. Trouble seems to be brewing in the clouds above. Egged on by prominent citizens, there is a spring in the hoofs of the Vahanas. Lord Shiva’s Nandi could be seen chewing the cud in satisfaction at the Jallikattu Ban. When questioned about the sudden spurt of animal rights cases, noted intellectual U.R Ananthamurthy said, “Since the charm of secularism is dying post-Modi victory, we are migrating to newer forms of outrage. Whether you moo, snort, neigh, hiss, buzz or caw, we want your voices heard!”.

Accordingly, a class action lawsuit has been prepared by the Cock-and-Bull Andholan, an animal rights NGO. Lord Muruga’s Rooster & the Nandi  are co-petitioners. Kartikeya’s Peacock is also considering joining in, complaining about “unreasonable working hours & jetlag due to 3 trans-Atlantic trips without a break”

Readers may recall that the same NGO had successfully petitioned the IT industry to discontinue use of the wired mouse. “The tethering cable was a cruel form of bondage & stunted the normal development of the mouse. With the advent of the wireless mouse, freedom & dignity has been restored to the life of this sprightly animal”, noted AshwaMedha Patkar. The iconic image of Mrs. Patkar standing waist-deep in e-waste is etched in the memory of animal rights activists worldwide.

Complementing the efforts of the activists are underground militias like the dreaded JKLF (Jalli Kattu Liberation Front). “If the legitimate aspirations of the animals aren’t met, we will resort to armed struggle. Four legs are good, two legs are bad“, said a soft-spoken Sabyasachi Panda, chewing a tender bamboo shoot. Arundhati Roy, in a classic piece, had affectionately described JKLF as Kittens with knives

As we prepared to leave, we couldn’t help notice a feeling of camaraderie between the activists & the animals. Near the entrance, an out-of-work eminent historian was gently persuading Lord Shani’s crow to file a racial discrimination suit against Indra’s white elephant

BREAKING: Early election results declared! Kejriwal sweeps TIME constituency

In a result that stunned psephologists, AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal has romped to victory in the all important TIME constituency in the recently concluded Lok Sabha elections. CEC Sampath said that he had made an executive decision to start counting early in light of the recent Arnab Goswami break-in attempt. AAP spokesperson Ashutosh was delighted. “We wood like to defecate this victory to the thousands of AAP trolls vols who did Windows-to-Windows campaigning to insure suckcess“, he tweeted.

The vote split by demographics revealed an interesting trend. Tactical voting by Firefox & Chrome users seems to have made a major impact to the electoral outcome. When shown screenshots of volunteers encouraging voters to delete cookies & vote multiple times (a tactic known as SharadPawaring), Ashutosh accused us of being Ambani agents.

Coming in a distant 12th is BJP’s Narendra Modi. His vote share seems to have been seriously hurt by his unwillingness to apologize for reading a NewsWeek edition in 2002. Modi’s excuse of Entertainment means reading first has not resonated with an influential minority of TIME-only readers. Moreover, his refusal to be photographed with a TIME magazine in his hand has not helped his cause. “He does not have a problem posing with local Gujarati magazines. Why this discrimination against TIME?“, quipped Sandip Roy, a noted pollster, who showed us pictures supporting his claim.

A 3rd Front, comprising of Justin Bieber, Beyonce & Rihanna doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference to the results, reflecting strong anti-incumbency against mediocre musicians. Poll observers might recall that the Election Commission had earlier come down hard on Mr. Bieber for his manager’s blatantly communal appeal to Americans to not split the teenage vote

 

Rahul tears up ballot papers. Calls Elections “a complete nonsense”

Returning today from his sojourn abroad, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi marched into the office of the Returning Officer at Amethi, tore up the VVPAT  ballot papers and called the elections “a complete nonsense“. Stunned polling officials were reduced to mere spectators as Mr. Gandhi then proceeded to pry apart the EVM with a crowbar and a hammer.

His next stop was at the NDTV office, where he printed out the exit poll results and promptly shredded them. Even the TIME 100 Most Influential People in the World poll with Kejriwal’s cover photo wasn’t spared!

“What kind of an election are we running here, with the winning party garnering no more than 30% of the vote share? Democracy should function like the Congress Vice President or Kim Jong-un’s election, where the winner gets 100% of the vote!”, he thundered.

The hours leading up to this dramatic denouement were tense. Speculations were rife about the sudden disappearance of Mr. Gandhi from the farewell dinner for the introverted outgoing PM Manmohan Singh yesterday. Sonia Gandhi sought to clear the confusion, “I had told Rahul about the farewell dinner. But he feared that we are bidding farewell to dinner itself & stomped out angrily”. Inside sources confirm that he had been to the UK to verify for himself that it is smaller than Gujarat.

Rahul weighed in with his thoughts, “I needed some time off to analyze the exit poll predictions. When I reached the UK, I realized that they were in far worse shape. The unemployed blue collar workers were conducting  their own “Exit, Pole!” exercise, because the Polish immigrants were stealing all the jobs. That’s when it dawned on me: the system needs to change & we need to empower women. I then met the Queen at Buckingham Palace to validate my honeycomb model. I came away convinced that India cannot function without a queen bee, honey traps, sting operations and sterile worker bees. These elections were a huge distraction and I therefore decided to put an end to it”.

Rahuls’s work is not done. Between now and May 16th, he plans to conduct a gruelling nationwide campaign, personally dismantling 930,000 polling booths across 543 constituencies.

Asked if he was fed up with democracy, he said “Its the wrong question asked to the wrong Rahul. The important question is – what does Rahul want from Rahul? If Rahul thinks Rahul is responsible for the election loss, can Rahul be blamed?”

UPA excited about exit poll results! Plans to introduce Minority Government Bill

Encouraged by the dire predictions of exit polls, retired members of the NAC have drafted a Minority Government Bill that the UPA Government plans to table in Parliament before counting begins at 8 AM on May 16.  If passed, this will enable the President to invite the party with the fewest seats to form the Government.

“Today is a red letter day for the secularist ethos of India”, gushed Aruna Roy, “For the first time since the Greeks, majoritarianism will be defeated! We will have the legislative arsenal to defeat communal forces”.

Manmohan Singh, in his last public utterance before demitting office, reiterated that minorities had the first claim on electoral resources.

AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal was delighted at the turn of events, “The people have spoken! By giving us the lowest number of votes, they have identified us as the undisputed minority party. We promise to not let down all the people who didn’t vote for us”. But he cautioned, “we don’t want to get too ahead of ourselves. Let the counting begin. President Mukherjee has hinted that he will require letters of non-support from all allies before we can stake a claim to form the Government”. AAP has also submitted an addendum to the Bill – in case of a tie between 2 minority parties, the one whose leader lost the deposit by the largest margin would be invited to form the Government. When asked about the first act that they would implement if they formed the Government, Kejriwal said that he planned to introduce the much delayed June Lokpal Bill

Sources in Lutyens have confirmed that a pre-counting agreement has been arrived at between AAP and Congress. In a worst case scenario where AAP gets 1 seat & ends up not being the single smallest minority, Congress has promised to withdraw support from the outside.

Constitutional experts explained a few salient features of this Last Past the Starting Line system:

• A Bill tabled by a Party is considered to have passed if a majority of the members of the House are absent, abstain from voting or don’t ask questions
• A constitutional amendment must get no more than 1/3 of the votes in the Lower House
• An elected Government can be toppled by a Yes Confidence motion, whereby more than half the Lok Sabha members support a resolution that the Government is competent

When questioned about the difficulty of supporting a minority government, Sonia Gandhi said that her party had plenty of experience in winning elections & running Parliament with minority votes. “Moreover, my son & I have been training for this form of Government for the last 10 years. If you need evidence, you need to look no further than our MP report card”, she said.

 

 

UPA appoints new Chief Cook, Gardener and Driver

In a controversial move, the UPA Government appointed Sarson Singh as the Chief Cook at 7 Race Course Road, the official residence of the Prime Minister. The posts of Chief Gardener and Chief Driver were also filled. Leading legal light Ram Jethmalani said that this last-minute appointment of tri-service chiefs smacked of constitutional impropriety.

Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari was quick to come to his party’s defense. “The appointment might be hasty, but Sarson ka Saag is tasty!”, he insisted, smacking his lips. BJP was understandably livid, “The current cook’s retirement date isn’t coming up until July 25th. What was the hurry to cook the curry? As per seniority, Khamand Dholakia was supposed to become the next Chief Cook. Are they trying to manipulate the line of succession?”

The controversy re-kindled memories of last year’s expiration date fiasco. The then cook, Doodh Daruwalla had made Ras Malai with Aavin milk that had an expiration date 1 year in the future. However, when the cow was questioned, she revealed that her calf’s date of birth was entered incorrectly in its SSLC certificate. Since the milk production date coincided with the calf’s birth, the PMO suspected that the milk had already gone bad. The case went to the courts. Expert witness Lalu Yadav testified that fodder quality was paramount to milk’s longevity. The Supreme Court finally asked Daruwalla to sway with the wind and prepare a fresh batch of Ras Malai. The entire dish episode left a sour taste in the mouth.

The relationship between the cook and the PMO had been strained since then. When the Tamilian cow owner Kada Kumar had brought over his fully decorated cows to see Daruwalla on the occasion of Mattu Pongal, 10 Janpath panicked, sensing a coup. Shekar Gupta wrote a scathing piece, lambasting Coup-Mata and recommending that the PMO be informed of all future bovine movements, including those of the bowel.

Coming back to the present, the BJP is in no mood to let these appointments go unchallenged. BJP Spokesperson Nirmala Sitharaman had this to say, “Congress has corrupted every household institution. The gardener is a plant; the maid sweeps everything under the carpet; the cook knows which side of the bread is buttered & the driver is unaware of the bumpy road ahead. The only thing we can get rid of is the 10 year old doormat!”

EC adheres to model code of conduct. Stops campaigning for Congress at 6 PM sharp on May 12

Setting the bar for political parties to follow, the Election Commission ceased all its campaigning activities for Congress at 6 PM on May 12, thus bringing down the curtains on the 2014 Lok Sabha polling exercise. In an exclusive free-wheeling interview, we talk to the man behind it all, CEC Sampath

 

Reporter: Good day Mr. Sampath. The last few days must have been stressful
Sampath: Absolutely! Let me give you an anecdote: it was May 15th morning. Anxiety was writ large on the faces of Varanasi poll officials. We had made all the preparations for an Abottabad-style pre-dawn raid on BJP offices. A SWAT team had trained using a specially built replica of the office. But even the best laid plans come apart during first contact with the enemy. BJP  had already donated the liquor bottles to some ragpicker & all we could salvage were some pamphlets. But I am proud of my boys! My heart goes out to the Returning Officer Pranjal Yadav whose career was critically wounded in this operation

Reporter: How are you able to file FIRs against BJP politicians so quickly?
Sampath: They don’t call me See! Easy for nothing. Next question

Reporter: Why did you cancel Modi’s Varanasi rally?
Sampath: It was done for security reasons. There was a threat perception. I perceived a threat to my well-being if I disobeyed Madam’s orders

Reporter: What about your threat to disqualify Smriti Irani?
Sampath: The Election Commission enforces a 75 Lakh limit on election expenses. She is suspected of exceeding that & therefore is under the scanner. And before you ask, the case of 50 Lakh disenfranchised voters in Maharashtra is not being reviewed by the EC because its under the 75 Lakh limit

Reporter: Let’s talk about malfunctioning EVMs in Pune
Sampath: It’s a disgrace! Normally, the EVMs are supposed to vote for Congress but not show it to the voter. When we heard about this issue, we contacted BEL, the manufacturer, immediately. They admitted that they had accidentally sent a demo version to us, which had a bug in the Trojan program. We had them replace it for free under the 1 year warranty. I can assure you that the rest of the EVMs don’t have this bug. Rahul has personally quality tested them

      

Reporter: Talking about Rahul, what do you make of his 22000 people will be killed under Modi remark?
Sampath: We don’t take this kind of idle talk lightly. A show cause notice has been issued, giving him 3 days to reply why he didn’t quote the exact number of 22786

Reporter: Who is your role model?
Sampath: Former CEC  Navin Chawla, without a doubt! I still remember his advice to me when I was new to the job, “Work ethic is all-important in this business. The call of duty must be answered even during nature’s call”

Reporter: So, what’s next for you?
Sampath: A CEC might be finished, but his work doesn’t end. A lot remains to be done: voting, vetoing, counting, rounding, reporting etc. I have a message for you mediawallahs, who are happily projecting seats: a CEC is the only person who can predict the exit polls even before the elections!

EC orders Sun to stop rising till May 16. Orders FIR against Karunanidhi

Censuring a blatant attempt by DMK (Rising Sun symbol) to influence voters in the recently concluded TN elections, the Election Commission has ordered the Sun to stop rising till May 16. “We have photographic evidence showing sunlight within 100 meters of several polling booths across TamilNadu”, said CEC Sampath. He ordered the Chennai police to file an FIR against Karunanidhi under Section 126 (1) of the Representation of the People Act.

“We are mulling steps in future elections to eliminate such bias. Options include conducting the elections at night, which might also increase voter turnout because its much cooler”, he said.  This received an enthusiastic reception from Lalu’s RJD (Hurricane Lamp) & National Democratic Movement of Nagaland (Battery Torch).

Terming the charges as baseless, Karunanidhi’s son Stalin cited this as an example of “interstellar electoral overreach!”. ADMK Supremini Jayalalitha was more guarded, “though we welcome any move against the DMK, we are a bit worried about what will happen to the Two Leaves if there is no Sun?“.

Sampath also issued cease-and-desist orders against J&K’s Peoples Democratic Party (Ink Pot & Pen) for their publicity stunt in providing free ink samples to AAP volunteers. He vowed to hunt down model code violators till the end of the Earth. Last week, a Show Cause Notice was issued against Mitt Romney for the Republican Party’s misuse of Mayawati’s Elephant symbol in the 2012 US Presidential Elections.

The Congress Party wants to use this opportunity to get itself an image-makeover by changing its symbol. Insiders close to the first family spoke in hush-hush tones about a fallout between mother & son. While Rahul had expressed a preference for Toffee or Balloon, Sonia had wanted to stay closer to the original Hand. A compromise symbol of FacePalm has been suggested by Priyanka and is likely to get unanimous approval.

Election Commission to rename April 1 as “A Praful’s Day”

Impressed by the ingenuity of NCP’s Praful Patel in using Narendra Modi’s photo while campaigning, the Election Commission has decided to rename April 1 as A Praful’s Day.

A recommendation to this effect has been sent to the Supreme Court. Chief Election Commissioner V. S. Sampath is quoted as saying “As a CEC, I have seen many ingenious attempts at buying votes. But this is unique. It represents a paradigm bait-n-switch in electoral strategy”.

When contacted for comments, NCP supremo Sharad Pawar said that the best was yet to come. He stated that the NCP has petitioned the Election Commission to allow them to use the Lotus symbol in EVMs on election day. He also took the opportunity to clarify his controversial Vote Twice statement. “My comment was taken out of context. I was only asking the BJP supporters to vote a 2nd time for the NCP lotus”, he remarked.

Sources revealed that the NCP would also be releasing their Manifesto shortly. Uniquely titled Sabka Saath Sabka Vikaas, it lays out a development agenda for Maharashtra. An advance draft received by us revealed some catchy slogans like Secularism means India First. Praful Patel’s suggestion for the title Flying High in Mumbai, was evidently shot down by party headquarters, given his track record as Aviation Minister.

However, not everyone is happy with this turn of events. Kamal Ben, an elderly Gujarati lady in Patel’s Bhandara-Gondiya constituency was dismayed, “I had lovingly made dhoklas, thinking that Narendrabhai was visiting my humble home. To my shock, the man behind the Modi mask was a local NCP corporator”.